Getting to Grips
by Earendil Eldar
Summary: It's not easy for Ianto to get to grips with the guilt he feels after being with Jack, especially when neither reason for his guilt changes the facts of how he feels. (Possibly set after "Revelations").


Ianto knew his experience in dating matters was limited at best. But something here was entirely different. Of course, it was never meant to be anything other than a convenient distraction. And yet it was more than that from the first moment.

He'd thought Jack would be the type to slip into a coma immediately after. That was the type he was, surely – arrogant, egotistical, thoroughly impressed with himself….

"You alright, Ianto?"

"Huh?"

"Seem kinda tense. Was that ok for you? I mean, you didn't seem unsure at the moment. Uh… maybe I shoulda checked in a little sooner, but…. Something bothering you?"

Ianto tried to keep his breathing even and not tense up even more. There were a couple things bothering him, neither of which were on his mind in the moment, but were certainly prominent now, afterward. One of them he obviously couldn't say a word about, ever. The other… well, the other was rather closely related to the first anyway. And maybe Jack, who flirted with everything with a pulse (and some things that apparently didn't even have what could be considered a vascular system), maybe he could explain.

"It's just this isn't… I mean, I don't…. I, uh, I might have felt like this before, but I wasn't _really_ , um…. I thought it had, sort of, cleared up, I suppose. Just one of those things."

Jack blinked a few times in the low light, not that Ianto could see his bemusement with his back against Jack's chest. Jack was about to ask, but then realized what Ianto meant. "You mean you feel guilty about this?" Could Ianto – could _anybody_! – really be as straight-laced conservative as those gorgeous three-piece suits implied? Well, and still be Torchwood, anyway.

Again, Ianto tried not to tense even more. Guilty? That was putting it mildly. He'd enjoyed it, being with Jack. There was no need of 'lie back and think of Wales' to get him through. He wasn't meant to enjoy it, but he knew, from that first moment, that this was going to be one of his greatest tests.

"I'm not meant to want this," Ianto whispered, speaking to both sources of his guilt.

"Do you?" Jack asked quietly, seriously. "Want it?"

Ianto was quiet for a while, not bothering to hide his quickened breathing anymore. "I'm not meant to, but I… yeah. I tried not to."

"Tried not to want this?" Jack clarified, though he didn't sound surprised.

"Yeah."

Jack put a warm hand on Ianto's bare shoulder, then pulled the blanket up to cover it and returned his hand to the shoulder. "Why? What did they tell you was wrong? I've heard 'em all over the years," Jack said sadly.

"Doesn't matter," Ianto muttered.

"It kinda does… well, and not. 'Cause, the thing is, it doesn't matter who you're attracted to. It just matters that they feel the same. You know, to me, this whole 'right/wrong', 'natural/unnatural' debate is about as stupid as saying lefthandedness is evil. You might as well say it isn't natural for blonds to fancy brunettes because it'll alter the gene pool."

"I know that," Ianto said quietly. "But it isn't so easy to reprogramme those thought patterns."

"And I know that," Jack said, pulling Ianto a little closer. "But it is possible. And that's one of the amazing, inspiring things about humanity – our brains are plastic, we absolutely have the ability to work on them – provided we want to, of course. And, incidentally, endorphins go a _very_ long way to facilitating that."

"Sounds more like addiction than positive change."

"Only if you rely on those endorphins to sustain the changes you've worked on," Jack smirked. "Not that there's anything wrong with healthy pleasure seeking."

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Do you want to stay?"

Ianto shut his eyes tighter. All that about casting off imbued prejudices was very well, but it did nothing about the other source of his guilt. And the fact still remained…. "Yes, I do," Ianto whispered, craving the easy intimacy of Jack's arm around him as he hoped for sleep's oblivion.


End file.
